64% of Britons couldn't care less about who the next Conservative leader will be, according to a recent Ipsos poll. However, the four finalists - James Cleverly, Robert Jenrik, Tom Tugendhat, and Kemi Badenoch - took the final act of the party conference in Birmingham very seriously, unaware of the explosive situation in the Middle East and caught in the bubble of the Tories, inexplicably happy and enthusiastic despite having lost the elections just three months ago.
James Cleverly is precisely the most highly rated despite the general apathy, with 18% of voters convinced that he would do "a good job" as leader. "It's not the time for apprentices!", declared the former Foreign and Home Secretary, the most senior of the candidates (55 years old), convinced that his experience will weigh in the final stretch.
"I have also been in the government and I can certify that the system is broken," confessed Kemi Badenoch (44 years old), a survivor of the last four administrations, unleashed in pure Boris Johnson style when taking aim at Prime Minister Keir Starmer: "Socialism means poverty, and what we are seeing is socialism in a suit". In passing, she stirred up the culture war, positioned herself as a defender of "conservative values," and promised to bury the goal of "zero emissions."
The youngest and "apprentice" of Donald Trump, Robert Jenrick (42 years old), bid farewell by recalling how "120,000 people have arrived in this country in boats and 99% are still here." With his background as a former Immigration Secretary, he promised to "deport all those who are here illegally" and to fulfill Brexit (despite having voted in favor of remaining in the EU) bluntly by leaving the European Convention on Human Rights.
Tom Tugendhat (51 years old) clung to his experience as a veteran of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and presented himself as heir to the Duke of Wellington, offering "security" to the British. From his more centrist position, although veering right like everyone else, he perhaps made the most self-examination and emphasized the moral duty to "reconnect and regain the trust" of voters.
All four agreed on the diagnosis: the Conservative Party has hit rock bottom after 14 years in power and needs a thorough renewal. They were all in some way complicit by having participated in successive governments, including Liz Truss's government, who by the way joined the Tory party in Birmingham with total audacity under the flag of the PopCons.
The four leaders will be reduced to two in a new internal vote next week. The Finalissima in which all Conservative members will vote will culminate on November 2, when the name of the successor to Rishi Sunak will finally be known, who also issued the last S.O.S. before handing over the reins: "Let's stop fighting among ourselves."