Do you feel like bad luck follows you when you fall in love? Do you find yourself in relationships where you always end up leaving the other person or they end up leaving you? Do you feel attracted only to self-destructive, conflictive, or toxic people? Have you come to the conclusion that others do not appreciate you even though you are the person who gives the most in love in a complete way?
After 20 years of experience as a couples therapist, Emma Ribas, PhD in psychology and clinical sexologist has the answers to these common questions. "These kinds of thoughts often cross our minds as we gain years and experiences in love, and yet we are unable to establish a stable, healthy, satisfying, and lasting relationship," says the author of Mindful Love: success in love, her second book. But don't be fooled: luck plays a secondary role here, according to this specialist, as you have the power to choose the person to whom you decide to give your heart. "But it's impossible to choose who you fall in love with!" anyone will exclaim in protest. And I will tell you that's true... to some extent. Precisely because of ignorance, our personal wounds, or social prejudices, we tend to make a series of mistakes when choosing our partners."
For Ribas, a fundamental part of the process involves identifying and healing childhood emotional wounds, as well as detecting the famous 'red flags'.Shutterstock
How can we know if a relationship is healthy? Or, on the contrary, how can we come to the conclusion that it is not? Are the problems we face in our bond normal and surmountable, or are they indicators that our union lacks solid foundations? And if we don't have problems and feel supported and loved but still are not happy, does it mean we have no future together? How can we know if we are with the right person or not? The doctor lists up to ten common mistakes:Believing that love can conquer all. It is the ultimate romantic myth, according to Ribas. "It is commonly believed that if one loves sincerely and deeply, it is enough to sustain a relationship over time. But this is false. Loving each other is not sufficient," she argues. Obviously, without love, a possible couple relationship does not exist, but feeling desire, tenderness, or admiration for the other person does not guarantee overcoming all the difficulties that will arise throughout a shared life," she explains. "Without a minimum economic stability, without common interests and clear projects, without trust and respect, we are facing a relationship destined to fail, no matter how much love there is."
- "They will change." It is assumed that we voluntarily decide to establish romantic bonds with someone because they have a series of virtues that make them stand out above the rest. For us, they are unique and special. However, sometimes there are things about that person that we really dislike, and we overlook or minimize them thinking that, with age, stability, or the passage of time, "they will change." This is a big mistake, according to the expert. "Firstly, because those flaws that clash directly with our defining values make that person not really suitable for us, not 'the chosen one' in the broadest sense. And secondly, it is most likely that your partner will not change, or will not do so in the way you want. In fact, if they have been honest with you, if they have made it clear, for example, that they do not believe in monogamy and you have agreed to it, without sharing their vision, thinking that they will eventually come around to yours, you are the one laying the groundwork for the relationship to fail."
- Incorrect or unequal roles. Protective and caring instincts are deeply rooted in some of us, especially among women, who have traditionally been assigned a maternal role. "Therefore, sometimes we start a relationship with someone with the desire to take care of them or teach them, to save them from drugs or alcohol, to support them in their brilliant career... A couple's bond must be a union between equals. No one should take care of the other. You should not feel sorry for your partner, nor blind adoration. You are not, nor should you be, the father or mother of the other person, nor should you seek a maternal or paternal figure in the other. You are not their fan, mentor, or coach. And no one should save anyone in a romantic relationship. We should never try to compensate for the emotional deficiencies we may have in other areas with our partner."
- Desire to have children. A good part of our youth is spent making our way in the professional world. Upon achieving a certain stability in this field, the urge to start a family arises, explains the expert. "But rushing into a relationship with almost anyone just because of our desire to be a parent is an idea that can have serious consequences." It is most likely that the relationship will fail, she asserts, and those same children we wanted so much will end up bearing the brunt of the separation. "Wanting offspring at any cost unconsciously arises from social pressure and a series of deficiencies and false expectations that later emerge at the moment of motherhood or fatherhood. A personal and relationship crisis usually occurs, leading to facing one's own shadow and personal wounds." Therefore, it is vital to deeply reflect on what being a parent means to you before having children, she suggests. "By first reviewing your patterns beforehand, you can develop conscious parenthood and evolve as a person."
- Fearing loneliness. "Just as there are people with musical ear and others without it, but that does not mean that those without it cannot learn to play an instrument, and even become virtuosos, there are people with a knack for attracting others and establishing romantic relationships and others who do not. But in no case does this imply that neither can find the right person for them." The problem arises when, in the first case, "one becomes addicted to romantic ties, stringing one romantic relationship after another, which often results in an uninterrupted succession of tumultuous or toxic relationships," affirms the psychologist. In the second case, having spent a long time yearning for a partner can lead to saying yes to the first or second person who shows romantic interest in you. "This makes us completely dependent on that relationship, so it ends up settling into a routine and comfortable union, without excitement or complicity, governed by the fear of breakup." In both cases, she continues, these two seemingly different types of people exhibit a deep fear of loneliness. "To be happy in company, it is essential to first know how to be happy alone."
- Pretending to be someone you are not. If you feel that if you show yourself as you are, the person you love so much will not like you, and you feel compelled to constantly pretend, it is likely that, sooner or later, you will either tire of pretending to be someone you are not, or the other person will realize that you are a fraud. "If you believe that you should behave differently because it is the other person who embarrasses you with indirect remarks or censoring comments, or who 'directs' you to be as they want you to be, you are in a highly toxic relationship," Ribas warns. It is best to leave it immediately. "If it is you, driven by adoration towards your partner, who believes that you are not up to their level, you should start a process of introspection and ask yourself if you are really with the right person, as the pressure you impose on yourself by being with them does not make you happy. And, probably, it will not make them happy either. In both cases, you suffer from a serious self-esteem problem, and if you do not resolve it, more than your relationship will break: your health and mental balance will be affected."
- Not establishing life projects. "When it comes to having a partner, it is necessary to share future plans with them because otherwise, your union has an expiration date." According to the psychologist, and although it may seem hasty, it is necessary to make it clear as soon as possible whether you want to have children or not, if you opt for an open or monogamous relationship, if your dream is to buy an apartment in the city center or a house in the countryside... "You may think these are secondary things and that over time one of you or both will change your mind, but it is possible that it does not happen, and your life projects may end up becoming incompatible." Therefore, lacking a clear life project when starting a stable relationship, where priorities, goals, and measurable projects over time are defined, is a great mistake in her view. "Even more so, having them and 'parking' them due to a misunderstood generosity or believing that things will change over time. Your intimate and profound priorities are non-negotiable. Of course, every couple relationship involves concessions and adjustments, but never in those plans and values that define you."
- What starts badly, ends badly. If a love story has a bad start, it will hardly end well, predicts the expert. "Did you start dating your current partner in secret when they were in another relationship? Then do not doubt that you will not be the exception: it is most likely that they will also be unfaithful to you. Did your partner show a lot of possessiveness and jealousy before committing firmly to them? Their jealousy will resurface sooner rather than later, regardless of the evidence you provide of your commitment to your bond. Keep in mind that if we have not been able to be absolutely happy at the beginning of the relationship when we generally see everything through rose-colored glasses, driven by pheromones, it is highly unlikely that we will be happier later on," she warns.
- "One does not choose who they fall in love with." This is another phrase that we often hear, or that we have said at some point. However, Ribas has no doubts: it is false. "Firstly, because it is based on a confusion, equating infatuation with love, when they are not the same. Love, unlike sexual attraction, is a decision, not a coincidence. This confusion is reinforced by cultural myths that preach the existence of wonderful, fairy-tale relationships, where there are never tensions or arguments, and where the members of the affective-sexual bond live 'for' and 'by' each other." Or conversely: those who insist that any relationship worth it must involve exaltation and excess. "Interest and passion fade if there is no danger, uncertainty, and intensity. But just as flawless and perfect love stories do not exist, which inevitably leads to disappointment, similarly, opting for tumultuous bonds only leads to a tumultuous end."
- Losing oneself in the other. A couple's relationship must be a union between two adult individuals who know and accept themselves to a greater or lesser extent and who decide to share their time to create a life project together. "This does not imply that either of them should give up things that are truly important to defining who they are. When you love someone, it is often easy to be excessively generous and prioritize your partner's desires over yours. It is also easy to make our life revolve around the other person or feel such a need for connection with them that we start leaving behind our barriers and limits and lose ourselves as independent individuals. Building a couple's relationship is about adding, not dividing."