An unmistakable trait of boomerism (or generational gap in any case) occurs when we say the word "gaming console". Parents are concerned because their children are glued to their phones, glued to the tablet, and glued to that, to the beloved gaming console. Although screen use among young people is not gender-specific, experts argue that in general, girls tend to spend more time on social media while boys prefer video games.
Just as the former captivate, the latter keep children and teenagers with their necks bent for hours on end. Sometimes playing alone and other times, sharing games with random individuals, equipped with headsets and microphones as if they were working at the International Space Station. The point is, hours and hours. During that time, they are trapped in a black hole where hunger, sleep, cold, and heat do not exist. And certainly not school/college/university assignments or grandparents who have come to visit. And beware, just when they turn off, they often become irritable. And the reproaches come.
Family conflicts intensify, and parents often demonize video games. They also set limits and conditions on use to prevent it from becoming abusive, ultimately negotiating with their children when, how much, and how they can plug into the gaming universe. But this back and forth, as many adults know, is bitter, exhausting, and often unsuccessful.
The American Alok Kanojia (42 years old) is a Psychiatry professor at Harvard, practices in Boston, and is a co-founder of the digital platform Healthy Gamer, designed to help children and parents establish healthy gaming habits. He has over two million followers on his YouTube channel and recently published How to Raise a Healthy Gamer (Alienta Editorial), although perhaps the most striking aspect of his resume refers to his shadows: he was addicted to video games, that cursed word epitomizing many parental fears. Here, he explains how to navigate some mazes from his experience as a gamer and now, also as a father of two girls who love video games.
Parents often seek figures. How many hours per week and/or per day of video games are dangerous?
One of the things that angers a gamer like me is playing one hour a day because you're just getting started. What we really enjoy is playing excessively. You can't give up after a defeat, nor stop after a victory. You want to play one more. That's the fun part. If you ask your child, "Would you prefer to play one hour a day or play six hours on Friday night? I'll order a pizza, you can stay up as long as you want, and sleep in on Saturday." They will want the latter, but parents, not understanding what their children like about video games, impose arbitrary limits with a high-friction strategy. There are ways to get what you want from your child without having to fight. Instead, make them commit: let them play as much as they want on Friday and Saturday, and on Sunday, go out from 12 to 8 pm without complaints. They will have to do all their school and extracurricular tasks during the week, and you as a parent, check on Friday at 5 pm. If everything is done, they can start their gaming weekend. This way, we will have children who do not play four or five days a week but will be happy, and so will the parents. Children need to have a voice, but not necessarily a vote, and we need to come up with something that works. Don't focus on that arbitrary "one hour a day." When I was a child, my parents did it, and it seemed terrible.
When would you recommend seeking professional help?
The first thing I tell parents is to follow their instincts because they are the ones who detect when their child is not doing well. From a clinical point of view, we talk about addiction when it begins to interfere with studies, work, social life, physical or mental health... Many parents perceive that their child no longer resembles themselves. They are in a bad mood, isolated from friends and family... I would really recommend paying attention to the changes you see.
One day you stayed up too late playing video games, had a university exam (in Spanish, by the way), and fell asleep.
I was addicted to video games. My parents were wonderful, loving, and, although both are doctors, addiction overwhelmed them. If you think about the history of humanity, all parents have had to deal with some concerns about addiction, but it usually started in adolescence. Now, they have to deal with these things when they are 1, 2, or 3 years old, and there has never been a generation of parents who have had to face something as omnipresent and addictive as technology. My parents didn't know what to do. During the first two years of university, I played video games so much that I didn't study. One day I went to bed at 4 in the morning playing Diablo II. I had a Spanish final exam, the alarm went off at 7:30, and I just turned it off and went back to sleep. So, I failed. That's when video games become a problem, when they interfere with your goals and your life. My parents tried everything, but nothing worked. Finally, my father encouraged me to go to India, where I learned meditation, and that's what really helped me overcome my addiction. At 27 or 28, I decided to study Psychiatry at Harvard. No one was studying technology addiction, and I focused on this influenced by my personal experience. My goal was to help teenage gamers, young people, and 25-year-olds living in their parents' basements, who had never worked and played video games all day. And that's what the book is about: understanding what your child is going through from a personal experience and with a neuroscientific and even spiritual perspective, in order to help parents help their children.
In parenting, some people choose to ban screens during the early years, while others prohibit video games if they consider them violent or harmful. Do you support these limits, at least for a few years?
Parents ask me if I let my daughters play video games and watch TV. Yes, I do because my philosophy is that it's better to teach self-control than to prohibit. There are very strict parents, and their children don't have boyfriends, don't drink, don't smoke, or play video games. They only do gymnastics and play the piano. These children have academic success but either have social difficulties or rebel completely when they go to college. Around the age of 16, their own thoughts are forming. Trying to control them completely creates a power struggle that you, as a parent, will probably lose. I suggest asking them questions like, "What's going on with you? What attracts you to video games? What's the hardest part of your life right now?" Building an alliance with your child at this stage is crucial, and healthy boundaries can be established through mutual agreement. Let them take responsibility, even if it means they fail. That's how they learn to regulate themselves and be resilient.
Explain what the meta-perspective you talk about in your book is.
It's a communication technique to address complicated issues. Sometimes you can predict that a conversation about video games with your child can turn into an argument. I suggest taking a higher level to prevent them from shutting down. For example, you can start like this: "Have you noticed how hard it is for us to have a conversation about video games?" or "I want to tell you that I'm afraid to talk to you about something, but even that is hard to talk about."
You say in your book: "If you decide to use technology to enforce rules, you must tell your child, in case they find out and try to use technology that surpasses yours." What do you mean? Do you advocate for this type of control?
There's a lesson I've learned that applies to 100% of the addiction patients I've worked with: you can't force someone else's abstinence. The person must want it. In these cases, the child sees the parent as the enemy because they are trying to take away their video games in the face of their addiction. And the deception begins. One family decided to end the problem by locking the PlayStation cable. The child went on YouTube, watched a tutorial on lock picking, and played until 5 in the morning every night. They slept for an hour and a half before getting up for school. This simply doesn't work. Another issue is that parents have to prepare their children for life, and in life, there is technology. You have to train them to resist temptation, not take it away. Parent and child have to be a team. The reason they are addicted is that video games satisfy a fundamental need that is not being met. Almost all gamers I've worked with want friends and to feel happy with their bodies. Ask your child what they like about video games to understand what they are looking for in them. From there, you have to find alternatives together that they are comfortable with. Ask them if they would like to have more friends in real life, but without judging them. They often deny it because if they admit they are unhappy, they give parents ammunition to take away their video games. And that's where they get confused. What we recommend is that for the first month, be clear with your child and say, "I'm not going to take away your video games or set any limits. I want to understand what's going on here."
When it comes to setting limits on video game playtime, you argue that you have to be firm to not always give in to their tantrums. But you also say that if our child asks for an exception, we can listen to them. So, are we bypassing the limits or not?
Setting limits does not mean there is no room for flexibility. Consistency is important, but so is teaching children that sometimes, if they have a good reason, there can be exceptions. For example, if they ask for extra time to play on a holiday or after finishing all their tasks, it's okay to let them know that the limits are there for a reason, but you can also listen to their needs. It's about teaching them to maintain balance, not just imposing strictness.
Explain what the 25% rule is.
It's about adjusting parents' goals. Whatever their goal is, they should cut it in half and then cut it again. That should be their first goal. The problem is that for many parents, that's not enough because they don't accept that it takes time. I've had patients who were 28, 30, 33 years old, who have been living this way for a decade. It takes three or four years to get back on track. I wish I could say there's a way to do it in six months, but there isn't. For parents in a really serious situation, instead of focusing on where they want to go, they should just try to take a couple of steps forward. I've worked with people who have been addicted to certain substances since they were 15; now they are over 30 and are starting to get clean for the first time in their lives. It takes time. The only thing I would say to parents who really feel this is an unsolvable situation is that I've seen people build their lives at 35, 38; I did it at 28 and finished my degree at 35. Don't lose hope.